Preparing for job interviews is always exciting, and I’ve conducted over 300 myself during my time in banking from 1999 to 2012. One question I often asked was about the candidate’s blind spots—what they are and how they discovered them. This helps gauge their self-awareness and humility, essential qualities for teamwork.
Since becoming a father in 2017, and again in 2019, I’ve had to confront my own blind spots. Sharing these might help other dads who think they’re doing great but might be missing something. This post aims to help fathers better align their actions with their beliefs and improve their relationships with their partners.
Quality Time With The Kids
There’s a clear link between the amount of time dads spend with their kids and the quality of their fatherhood. However, not all time spent is equal. For example, being on your phone while at the playground isn’t the same as engaging in active play. Since 2017, I’ve dedicated between four to eight hours a day to my kids. During COVID, this went up to 12 hours as we homeschooled.
I felt proud, believing I was a dedicated father. But if I’m honest, while I spend four hours a day with the kids, my wife spends much more. If they’re home and I spend eight hours, she does 12 or 13.
A Father’s Blind Spot #1: Making The Wrong Comparison
Over the years, I’ve prided myself on being a great dad, especially compared to other dads with less flexible jobs. After a disagreement or feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids, I’d reassure myself by comparing to other dads. But if my wife and I are both home, it’s unfair to compare my time with the kids to other fathers instead of to her time, which is consistently more.
Thinking I Have The Magic Touch
When my daughter turned two, I began taking the kids to the playground regularly, allowing my wife some downtime. These outings were always smooth—no fights, timely snack finishes, and no tears when it was time to head home. But the moment we got back, the kids’ behavior changed dramatically. I thought I had the magic touch and that my wife might need to adopt my methods.
A Father’s Blind Spot #2: Not Doing Enough Of The Hard Stuff
However, I soon realized why they behaved better with me: they see me less, so I’m more of a novelty, and our activities are generally more fun. My wife handles the tougher tasks like doctor visits and ensuring they eat healthily, which naturally leads to more protests from the kids.
Fatherhood Is A Work In Progress
I’ve come to see that I’ve overrated my contributions and underrated my wife’s. If I were in her shoes daily, I’m sure my patience would wear thin much quicker. My new goal is to take on more challenging parenting duties to balance the scales and be more patient and less critical.
Uncommunicated Expectations
Often, tension arises because one partner expects something from the other who is unaware of these expectations. As a dad, I aim to communicate my expectations more clearly and understand hers better, seeking common ground for the benefit of our family.
The Stress Of Being The Primary Or Sole Breadwinner
Being the main financial provider is stressful, especially as freelancers without steady paychecks or benefits. During tough economic times, like the 2022 bear market, this stress is magnified. It’s crucial to acknowledge the pressure and show appreciation for each other’s contributions.
For Future Fathers Out There
For those planning to start a family, it’s wise to prepare financially as raising children can be costly and stressful. Support and understanding are vital. Communicate openly about expectations and give each other grace during challenging times.
Fatherhood isn’t easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding. Sharing experiences and challenges can help us all grow and improve as parents.
